Surviving the Holidays Without Burnout, Debt, or a Family Meltdown

Nova Blake

Okay, folks—welcome back to Unpack with Dr. Julie! If this is your first time joining us, I’m Nova, hanging out with Dr. Julie Sorenson and our guy Kai Mercer. And today, listen…we’re talking about surviving the holidays without turning into, like, a human pressure cooker. Dr. Julie, I’m just gonna put it out there: I had this idea about doing a “perfect” Friendsgiving last year and, not only did I nearly lose my mind, but my stuffing tasted like anxiety. So, have you seen this whole obsession with having a perfect holiday actually play out with your clients?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

So much, Nova. I mean, the holidays, as beautiful as they can be, also bring this unspoken—or actually, very LOUD—expectation to create the “perfect” memory for everyone around us. But, you know, as research from Flett and Hewitt shows, perfectionism is this fast-track to anxiety and emotional distress. And especially during the holidays, it just ramps up. The perfect table setting, the perfect gifts, perfect family photo—like, who actually enjoys a day where you’re just checking all these imaginary boxes?

Kai Mercer

Yeah, and let’s be real—I always mess this up—my “perfect” Christmas of 2019? Ended with my dog eating the pie, someone crying in the hallway, and me vowing never to try again. Not to mention, when you buy into perfection, you wind up performing instead of…uh, actually enjoying anything. I think, Dr. Julie, you said something in a previous episode about choosing peace over performing for someone else’s highlight reel?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yes, exactly! Honestly, a calm nervous system—that’s the goal, right? A calm version of ourselves makes for better memories than any Instagram-worthy spread. And boundaries help us get there. The year I brought a “boundary cake” to my family’s holiday—true story—I told everyone, “Hey, we’re abbreviating this year. I need some quiet before the next event.” The cake was just a funny symbol, but it opened up space for a real conversation about self-care. Nobody melted. The world didn’t end. It was actually kind of freeing.

Nova Blake

Wait, pause—what’s a boundary cake look like? I have to know.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

It was just a plain cake with “B is for boundaries” written on it in frosting. A little cheesy, super effective! It let everyone know, hey, this is a boundary, not a judgment. When you give yourself permission to say “We’re skipping gifts this year,” or “I need downtime before festivities,” it’s not rude—it’s maintenance for your sanity. And when boundaries are clear, they keep resentment and burnout way, way lower. Emotional traffic signs, you know?

Kai Mercer

It’s so true. Permission to NOT perform—huge. Like, “Hey, I love you guys, but I’m leaving at eight, not midnight.” Nobody’s been harmed by someone setting a timer on their mental energy. At least, that’s what I tell myself…

Nova Blake

For real—everyone talks boundaries, but putting them out there? That’s the nerve-wracking part. So, I guess the myth of the perfect holiday isn’t just made by Hallmark—sometimes we’re, like, helping build it ourselves, brick by brick.

Kai Mercer

Alright, so let’s talk about everyone’s favorite holiday ghost—money stress! January shows up, and suddenly those “generous” December choices? Not looking so cheerful on the credit card bill. So, Dr. Julie, what’s the real cost of all this holiday spending, emotionally?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Honestly, Kai, it piles up. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau literally put it in black and white—financial strain brings anxiety, sleep issues, relationship conflict, and it’s always worse after the holidays. And we act like presence is less important than presents, but it’s really the opposite. The stability you maintain by not overspending? That’s a gift you give to yourself—and everyone you care about.

Nova Blake

Yeah, I remember we touched on that back in episode two—how you don’t have to measure your adulthood by your ability to buy, buy, buy. Presence over presents, for real. And, with kids, it’s tricky—because the comparison game goes hard. Social media, commercials, kids at school…they all hype up “Santa brought this!” or “My friend got that!” How do you talk with kids about gifts without, you know, totally wrecking the magic?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

That is such a good question, Nova, and it’s one parents really worry about. What I recommend—draw from research by Siegel and Bryson, is being honest, but age-appropriate. You can tell your kids, “Santa helps families in different ways,” or “Santa focuses on the spirit of kindness, not the price tag.” It’s about expanding the magic, not snapping it in half. Kids don’t need Santa to be unlimited; they need him to be kind, consistent, and fair.

Kai Mercer

I wish someone would’ve told me that as a kid. Instead, it was like, “If you didn’t get the bike, maybe you weren’t good enough.” Which, wow—talk about planting anxiety. So, if the memories that really stick are emotional, not material, how do you bring that to life when money’s tight?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Great question. Years ago, when things were tight for my family, we did this “gratitude scavenger hunt” instead of focusing on gifts. We mapped out little ways to surprise each other—with notes, favorite snacks, a song…all things that cost very little. It made the whole holiday lighter, and yes, the fun and laughter really did stick. Presence, like we’ve said, always outweighs presents. Emotional moments imprint way more than any toy ever will—brain science backs that up! And you’re teaching resilience, not just coping.

Nova Blake

And new traditions like that? They grow with you. Especially with social media, I feel like there’s all this pressure to keep up. But those highlight reels are just highlights—and half the time, I’m pretty sure the dog’s eating cake off screen, anyway.

Nova Blake

So, switching gears, but kinda not—can we talk about every family’s unofficial holiday tradition? I’m talking about…uncomfortable conversations. You know, the questions that you wish were, uh, optional. Dr. Julie, why do awkward topics always pop up while someone’s carving turkey?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

It’s classic family psychology. The holidays intensify everything because, one, our routines are gone; and two, all that emotional history is suddenly in the room. According to Gottman and Silver’s relationship research, you’re not “too sensitive”—it’s your nervous system on overload. Knowing your circle of control is huge. You can’t prevent every nosey question, but you can choose your response—and that’s powerful.

Kai Mercer

So let’s say Aunt Linda asks why you’re single for the fifth year in a row—how do you actually build yourself a path out of that?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Ha! Sometimes you have to get creative. I suggest scripted boundaries like, “I’m not discussing that today,” or, “Let’s change the subject.” You can even use humor—like, “If I had a dollar for every time someone asked…” Or just go silent for a beat. Silence is underrated as a boundary. The key is refusing to betray yourself just to keep everyone else comfortable.

Nova Blake

I love that. And sometimes you really do have to just gracefully bow out. Even leaving early—that’s, like, a win, not a fail, right?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Absolutely. I had a friend once who redefined their family’s holiday after a big rift. Instead of just pretending nothing happened—or forcing “the old way”—they created a new tradition. It was about repair, not just “going along to get along.” You can reconcile and soften without self-betrayal. Family systems theory actually says that when one person shifts how they show up, it can begin to change the whole dynamic. You don’t have to repeat the cycle.

Kai Mercer

That’s big. I think we often forget that traditions are supposed to serve us, not the other way around. If the old routine isn’t working, tweak it. Where was I? Oh, right—evolve or get stuck, basically.

Nova Blake

Yeah, as we wrap, just a reality check—you do not have to overgive, overspend, or overexplain to be “enough” this time of year. Dr. Julie, final truth bomb?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Just this: The goal isn’t to survive the holidays at the cost of your peace. Boundaries aren’t rude, repair doesn’t mean betrayal, and choosing presence over pressure is emotionally intelligent, not selfish. You deserve to enjoy these moments, too.

Kai Mercer

That’s it, y’all. Stay tuned for the next episode, you won't want to miss it. As always, Dr. Julie, Nova—thanks for the real talk. Everyone out there, hold those boundaries and enjoy your holiday your way.

Nova Blake

Stick around, we’ll see you next time—peace, everyone!

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Thanks for having this space with us—take care of yourselves, and each other. Happy holidays!